I had such a weird dream last night.
Basically, school had started already, and I guess it was November or so. It was pretty normal, except people from Skins went to my school. I don't even know why this keeps happening. Anyway, I had a girlfriend, and a bunch of us were hanging out at her house for Thanksgiving or something. I think I had an identity crisis or something in French class, but then I realized nothing was wrong. Also, the French room was my old English room from like 7th or 8th grade.
Then we were planning a huge party at my neighbor's house, so me and two other people decided to go in the woods. So we're exploring, and there's metal and stuff lying around, so we have to climb on top of it to get past. Eventually, we decide to head to my friend's house, not sure why, since the party was somewhere else. We walk along some highway and cut through more woods, which doesn't make sense, since it's a roundabout way of getting to my friend's house. Like, if we'd stayed on the road, we would have gotten there faster. I woke up before we got to my friend's house.
I don't even know. I was sleep deprived when I finally got to sleep this morning.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Give Me Everything You've Got
So I've decided I need to get the hell out of Jersey. Or at least this area, because it's a shithole. There's literally nothing to do here. No clubs, no places to hang out, nothing. If you don't have a car, you're fucked, because everything is miles away. There's not enough people to have any privacy, either. Everyone knows everything about you, and it's pretty irritating. The people who do live here aren't usually the type of people I'd like to be close with.
Lately I've been blaming my town for me being miserable, and I think it's at least partially true. This area is even pretty shit for longboarding, which I haven't done in at least a month. I've lost my motivation to pick up my board, and it's fucking heartbreaking. Although, me losing motivation is probably mostly personal. The lack of people is getting to me, though. It feels like I'm always stuck with the same group of people, and it's wearing me down. I'm getting sick of them and how they act, and I need a change. But there's no way to change anything, because I don't have a car, so I can't see anyone else. It's a shit position, and it's difficult to explain.
I really need to move. This shit's ridiculous.
Lately I've been blaming my town for me being miserable, and I think it's at least partially true. This area is even pretty shit for longboarding, which I haven't done in at least a month. I've lost my motivation to pick up my board, and it's fucking heartbreaking. Although, me losing motivation is probably mostly personal. The lack of people is getting to me, though. It feels like I'm always stuck with the same group of people, and it's wearing me down. I'm getting sick of them and how they act, and I need a change. But there's no way to change anything, because I don't have a car, so I can't see anyone else. It's a shit position, and it's difficult to explain.
I really need to move. This shit's ridiculous.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Change (In the House of Flies)
I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm trying to sort it all out, but I just can't. Everything is shit, and I know that. It's more like I don't know how to fix it.
I feel replaced. I get the feeling I'm unwanted; unnecessary. I go through these stages of craving attention and then saying, "Fuck everyone." The stages are constantly alternating, and they're a result of each other. It's a constant, vicious cycle and I can't stop it. It basically goes like this: I crave attention, and no one is there to give it. So I decide I don't like people anymore, as immature as it sounds. Then I hang out with someone, and I get used to attention again. Then they leave, and it starts again.
It's immature as fuck, but I can't help it. It sounds like I want attention 24/7, but it's not like that. Just hanging out with someone every few days would be fine with me. But that doesn't happen. It never does. Every summer, I'm basically alone for two and a half months. Everyone is busy with other people, so I don't have anyone. This has happened for the past three or four years, every summer. Then, in September, it's always the same thing: "Oh, I missed you so much," "I haven't seen you in months, dude," "Man, we should've hung out this summer." It's not like I left the God damn country all summer or anything. I didn't do anything. You were too busy with everyone else and their mother to talk to me.
I feel like my friendships are one-sided. Like I care more than they do. And that's saying a lot, considering how little I usually care about other people. I feel like if I cut everyone off, I would suffer, not them. They could carry on just fine without me, but without them I'm nothing. They don't care and it's killing me. I can't make people care about me, so I'm fucked regardless.
This sounded less pathetic in my head, I swear. I'm just sick of everything.
I feel replaced. I get the feeling I'm unwanted; unnecessary. I go through these stages of craving attention and then saying, "Fuck everyone." The stages are constantly alternating, and they're a result of each other. It's a constant, vicious cycle and I can't stop it. It basically goes like this: I crave attention, and no one is there to give it. So I decide I don't like people anymore, as immature as it sounds. Then I hang out with someone, and I get used to attention again. Then they leave, and it starts again.
It's immature as fuck, but I can't help it. It sounds like I want attention 24/7, but it's not like that. Just hanging out with someone every few days would be fine with me. But that doesn't happen. It never does. Every summer, I'm basically alone for two and a half months. Everyone is busy with other people, so I don't have anyone. This has happened for the past three or four years, every summer. Then, in September, it's always the same thing: "Oh, I missed you so much," "I haven't seen you in months, dude," "Man, we should've hung out this summer." It's not like I left the God damn country all summer or anything. I didn't do anything. You were too busy with everyone else and their mother to talk to me.
I feel like my friendships are one-sided. Like I care more than they do. And that's saying a lot, considering how little I usually care about other people. I feel like if I cut everyone off, I would suffer, not them. They could carry on just fine without me, but without them I'm nothing. They don't care and it's killing me. I can't make people care about me, so I'm fucked regardless.
This sounded less pathetic in my head, I swear. I'm just sick of everything.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Post Blue
I had another dream last night.
I was at school, and a bunch of people from Skins were there. About halfway through the day, we sneaked out and chilled in a field behind my school. I think I hooked up with someone from Skins, I don't remember. Possible, considering it's fucking Skins. So we chilled in a field for a few hours, and realized we were going to miss our bus to go home. So we get on the bus, and we start planning a party or something. My regular friends were there too, and we were all just basically fucking around on the bus and having fun. Then I woke up and was sad that I don't have a social life.
I don't even know.
I was at school, and a bunch of people from Skins were there. About halfway through the day, we sneaked out and chilled in a field behind my school. I think I hooked up with someone from Skins, I don't remember. Possible, considering it's fucking Skins. So we chilled in a field for a few hours, and realized we were going to miss our bus to go home. So we get on the bus, and we start planning a party or something. My regular friends were there too, and we were all just basically fucking around on the bus and having fun. Then I woke up and was sad that I don't have a social life.
I don't even know.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Ghosts of Pawn Stars
I just had a really scary dream/experience.
My eyes were open, and I was awake, but it was like there was a tornado coming through my window. I heard a lot of voices, like Rick from Pawn Stars, but that was the only one I could recognize. There was a lot of noise, so it was difficult to tell the voices apart. I couldn't move through the whole thing. I tried to say, "Fine, I'll leave," but I couldn't move my mouth. I wanted so badly to get out of my room. Everything felt real. The wind blowing into my ear was deafening, and the voices were scaring the fuck out of me.
I was finally able to move (after what felt like hours) and ran the fuck out of my room, but the noise and the wind faded before I made my way out. I didn't care, I kept running. It took me until I was sitting my my living room to realize I'd been running from a hallucination. I was breathing hard for a while after, I'm not sure if it's from the running or being so afraid. And now I feel and look exhausted, even though I had been sleeping well before this all happened.
I don't know why this happened, or what it was. I think it was a result of my (really, really, really irrational) fear of buying a haunted house. I haven't thought about that in months, though, so I don't know why it would happen now. I watched too many "paranormal" shows when I was a kid.
It sounds like sleep paralysis to me, but I'm not sure. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
My eyes were open, and I was awake, but it was like there was a tornado coming through my window. I heard a lot of voices, like Rick from Pawn Stars, but that was the only one I could recognize. There was a lot of noise, so it was difficult to tell the voices apart. I couldn't move through the whole thing. I tried to say, "Fine, I'll leave," but I couldn't move my mouth. I wanted so badly to get out of my room. Everything felt real. The wind blowing into my ear was deafening, and the voices were scaring the fuck out of me.
I was finally able to move (after what felt like hours) and ran the fuck out of my room, but the noise and the wind faded before I made my way out. I didn't care, I kept running. It took me until I was sitting my my living room to realize I'd been running from a hallucination. I was breathing hard for a while after, I'm not sure if it's from the running or being so afraid. And now I feel and look exhausted, even though I had been sleeping well before this all happened.
I don't know why this happened, or what it was. I think it was a result of my (really, really, really irrational) fear of buying a haunted house. I haven't thought about that in months, though, so I don't know why it would happen now. I watched too many "paranormal" shows when I was a kid.
It sounds like sleep paralysis to me, but I'm not sure. I just hope it doesn't happen again.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Luigi is a Dyke
I had a really weird dream this morning. This post probably won't be very linear, since I don't really remember the order of what happened.
I showered for a good 6 hours and no one said anything. I would have stayed in the shower longer, but I realized it had been six hours, freaked out about how much water I'd just wasted, and quickly got out. I think I was wearing clothes in the shower, I'm not sure. Anyway, I put on a robe, but it wasn't really a robe, it was more like a pair of onesie pajamas, but without the feet. I think my house was a fortress. It was gray and kind of castle-like, but the inside was still my house.
After I got out of the shower and got dressed, my friend texted me, saying "tell me the closest interval of 10 minutes that I can come over." I was really confused, but I told them to show up in half an hour. I think after this part I left my house and hung out with my neighbor (who I don't even talk to). He's in 8th grade, but we were hanging out and going somewhere for some reason. We got into the car, drove for a while, and went back home.
After this, I think I went to my old elementary school. I was chilling, and got a really bad cramp behind my left knee. I hobbled over to a room with glass walls and a few chairs and took a seat. Some woman with pink hair walked in and said she could help me, and I noticed there were a couple of other kids there, one of whom I'm friends with. She said she would "be right back," and I freaked out and ran home. Right before I was out of the building, I heard her saying, "And now we know the personalities of Polish people from different countries."
While I was running home, I saw Luigi on a pipe that had the word "dyke" on the side. Suddenly, everything became like a video game, and I had to do quick time events and get Luigi to go into the right pipe (I think the right one said "faggot" on it). I ignored it and kept running, because I wasn't in the mood for Luigi's shenanigans.
And then I woke up by the time I got back to my house (which was not a fortress anymore). I have some really weird dreams sometimes.
I showered for a good 6 hours and no one said anything. I would have stayed in the shower longer, but I realized it had been six hours, freaked out about how much water I'd just wasted, and quickly got out. I think I was wearing clothes in the shower, I'm not sure. Anyway, I put on a robe, but it wasn't really a robe, it was more like a pair of onesie pajamas, but without the feet. I think my house was a fortress. It was gray and kind of castle-like, but the inside was still my house.
After I got out of the shower and got dressed, my friend texted me, saying "tell me the closest interval of 10 minutes that I can come over." I was really confused, but I told them to show up in half an hour. I think after this part I left my house and hung out with my neighbor (who I don't even talk to). He's in 8th grade, but we were hanging out and going somewhere for some reason. We got into the car, drove for a while, and went back home.
After this, I think I went to my old elementary school. I was chilling, and got a really bad cramp behind my left knee. I hobbled over to a room with glass walls and a few chairs and took a seat. Some woman with pink hair walked in and said she could help me, and I noticed there were a couple of other kids there, one of whom I'm friends with. She said she would "be right back," and I freaked out and ran home. Right before I was out of the building, I heard her saying, "And now we know the personalities of Polish people from different countries."
While I was running home, I saw Luigi on a pipe that had the word "dyke" on the side. Suddenly, everything became like a video game, and I had to do quick time events and get Luigi to go into the right pipe (I think the right one said "faggot" on it). I ignored it and kept running, because I wasn't in the mood for Luigi's shenanigans.
And then I woke up by the time I got back to my house (which was not a fortress anymore). I have some really weird dreams sometimes.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Hendrix, Hobos, and Buzz Lightyear
Last night I had a really weird dream. Weird even by my standards. I'm posting it so I don't forget it later.
My friend and I were in a city. It was like the town we live in now, but an actual city (my town is extremely small). We were going through some back streets looking for Hendrix because we needed his help with a problem or something. There were hobos fucking everywhere, too. We never find Hendrix, so we end up at my relatives' house. We were swimming and having lunch there for some reason.
Anyway, another one of my friends showed up at my relatives' house, and I noticed they had my favorite shirt on. I was mad confused, so I called my grandma about it. She told me that a hobo stole my shirt and sold it to a consignment/good will kind of shop. So I was all, "how the hell did a hobo get into my room?" Apparently I'd left my window open for a few days, and the hobo got in through there. I asked her to send my friends and I bus fare so we can get home and investigate a bit. She says alright and sends for a UPS guy to bring us the money.
I tell my friend (not the one wearing my shirt), and we decide to find the hobo that did it, because at this point I was really pissed off. So I tell my friend that there's only like 5 hobos in my neighborhood, and they freak the fuck out and start yelling at me. They said, "YEAH RIGHT. THERE ARE LIKE 10 ON MY STREET, THERE ARE WAY MORE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD." I had no idea why they were so pissed, but I brushed it off and went to check if the UPS guy was here yet. He was, and he gave me a huge bag and a box of stuff. I sign for it and bring it into my relatives' house. My grandma sent us Christmas toys instead of bus fare. One of the toys was Buzz Lightyear, and his helmet opened and closed, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Then I woke up. For like 10 minutes after I got up, I was paranoid about hobos (there aren't even any hobos in my town, wut) climbing in my window and stealing my shit.
My friend and I were in a city. It was like the town we live in now, but an actual city (my town is extremely small). We were going through some back streets looking for Hendrix because we needed his help with a problem or something. There were hobos fucking everywhere, too. We never find Hendrix, so we end up at my relatives' house. We were swimming and having lunch there for some reason.
Anyway, another one of my friends showed up at my relatives' house, and I noticed they had my favorite shirt on. I was mad confused, so I called my grandma about it. She told me that a hobo stole my shirt and sold it to a consignment/good will kind of shop. So I was all, "how the hell did a hobo get into my room?" Apparently I'd left my window open for a few days, and the hobo got in through there. I asked her to send my friends and I bus fare so we can get home and investigate a bit. She says alright and sends for a UPS guy to bring us the money.
I tell my friend (not the one wearing my shirt), and we decide to find the hobo that did it, because at this point I was really pissed off. So I tell my friend that there's only like 5 hobos in my neighborhood, and they freak the fuck out and start yelling at me. They said, "YEAH RIGHT. THERE ARE LIKE 10 ON MY STREET, THERE ARE WAY MORE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD." I had no idea why they were so pissed, but I brushed it off and went to check if the UPS guy was here yet. He was, and he gave me a huge bag and a box of stuff. I sign for it and bring it into my relatives' house. My grandma sent us Christmas toys instead of bus fare. One of the toys was Buzz Lightyear, and his helmet opened and closed, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Then I woke up. For like 10 minutes after I got up, I was paranoid about hobos (there aren't even any hobos in my town, wut) climbing in my window and stealing my shit.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
A Moment of Clarity
I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. I have no motivation though, hence this post.
Everything's sort of turning around for me right now. I'm fixing a lot of stuff about myself that I wasn't happy with before. I'm hanging out with my friends more, I'm talking to more people, getting contacts instead of glasses, all sorts of shit. There's only 2 negative points to this: my grades are getting a little (or a lot) worse, and I'm not sleeping that much anymore. But I'm generally happy, which is always good.
If the weather would stop sucking ass, my life would be fantastic.
Everything's sort of turning around for me right now. I'm fixing a lot of stuff about myself that I wasn't happy with before. I'm hanging out with my friends more, I'm talking to more people, getting contacts instead of glasses, all sorts of shit. There's only 2 negative points to this: my grades are getting a little (or a lot) worse, and I'm not sleeping that much anymore. But I'm generally happy, which is always good.
If the weather would stop sucking ass, my life would be fantastic.
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