I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm trying to sort it all out, but I just can't. Everything is shit, and I know that. It's more like I don't know how to fix it.
I feel replaced. I get the feeling I'm unwanted; unnecessary. I go through these stages of craving attention and then saying, "Fuck everyone." The stages are constantly alternating, and they're a result of each other. It's a constant, vicious cycle and I can't stop it. It basically goes like this: I crave attention, and no one is there to give it. So I decide I don't like people anymore, as immature as it sounds. Then I hang out with someone, and I get used to attention again. Then they leave, and it starts again.
It's immature as fuck, but I can't help it. It sounds like I want attention 24/7, but it's not like that. Just hanging out with someone every few days would be fine with me. But that doesn't happen. It never does. Every summer, I'm basically alone for two and a half months. Everyone is busy with other people, so I don't have anyone. This has happened for the past three or four years, every summer. Then, in September, it's always the same thing: "Oh, I missed you so much," "I haven't seen you in months, dude," "Man, we should've hung out this summer." It's not like I left the God damn country all summer or anything. I didn't do anything. You were too busy with everyone else and their mother to talk to me.
I feel like my friendships are one-sided. Like I care more than they do. And that's saying a lot, considering how little I usually care about other people. I feel like if I cut everyone off, I would suffer, not them. They could carry on just fine without me, but without them I'm nothing. They don't care and it's killing me. I can't make people care about me, so I'm fucked regardless.
This sounded less pathetic in my head, I swear. I'm just sick of everything.
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