Give Me Everything You've Got

So I've decided I need to get the hell out of Jersey. Or at least this area, because it's a shithole. There's literally nothing to do here. No clubs, no places to hang out, nothing. If you don't have a car, you're fucked, because everything is miles away. There's not enough people to have any privacy, either. Everyone knows everything about you, and it's pretty irritating. The people who do live here aren't usually the type of people I'd like to be close with.

Lately I've been blaming my town for me being miserable, and I think it's at least partially true. This area is even pretty shit for longboarding, which I haven't done in at least a month. I've lost my motivation to pick up my board, and it's fucking heartbreaking. Although, me losing motivation is probably mostly personal. The lack of people is getting to me, though. It feels like I'm always stuck with the same group of people, and it's wearing me down. I'm getting sick of them and how they act, and I need a change. But there's no way to change anything, because I don't have a car, so I can't see anyone else. It's a shit position, and it's difficult to explain.

I really need to move. This shit's ridiculous.

Change (In the House of Flies)

I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm trying to sort it all out, but I just can't. Everything is shit, and I know that. It's more like I don't know how to fix it.

I feel replaced. I get the feeling I'm unwanted; unnecessary. I go through these stages of craving attention and then saying, "Fuck everyone." The stages are constantly alternating, and they're a result of each other. It's a constant, vicious cycle and I can't stop it. It basically goes like this: I crave attention, and no one is there to give it. So I decide I don't like people anymore, as immature as it sounds. Then I hang out with someone, and I get used to attention again. Then they leave, and it starts again.

It's immature as fuck, but I can't help it. It sounds like I want attention 24/7, but it's not like that. Just hanging out with someone every few days would be fine with me. But that doesn't happen. It never does. Every summer, I'm basically alone for two and a half months. Everyone is busy with other people, so I don't have anyone. This has happened for the past three or four years, every summer. Then, in September, it's always the same thing: "Oh, I missed you so much," "I haven't seen you in months, dude," "Man, we should've hung out this summer." It's not like I left the God damn country all summer or anything. I didn't do anything. You were too busy with everyone else and their mother to talk to me.

I feel like my friendships are one-sided. Like I care more than they do. And that's saying a lot, considering how little I usually care about other people. I feel like if I cut everyone off, I would suffer, not them. They could carry on just fine without me, but without them I'm nothing. They don't care and it's killing me. I can't make people care about me, so I'm fucked regardless.

This sounded less pathetic in my head, I swear. I'm just sick of everything.