Change (In the House of Flies)

I don't even know how I feel anymore. I'm trying to sort it all out, but I just can't. Everything is shit, and I know that. It's more like I don't know how to fix it.

I feel replaced. I get the feeling I'm unwanted; unnecessary. I go through these stages of craving attention and then saying, "Fuck everyone." The stages are constantly alternating, and they're a result of each other. It's a constant, vicious cycle and I can't stop it. It basically goes like this: I crave attention, and no one is there to give it. So I decide I don't like people anymore, as immature as it sounds. Then I hang out with someone, and I get used to attention again. Then they leave, and it starts again.

It's immature as fuck, but I can't help it. It sounds like I want attention 24/7, but it's not like that. Just hanging out with someone every few days would be fine with me. But that doesn't happen. It never does. Every summer, I'm basically alone for two and a half months. Everyone is busy with other people, so I don't have anyone. This has happened for the past three or four years, every summer. Then, in September, it's always the same thing: "Oh, I missed you so much," "I haven't seen you in months, dude," "Man, we should've hung out this summer." It's not like I left the God damn country all summer or anything. I didn't do anything. You were too busy with everyone else and their mother to talk to me.

I feel like my friendships are one-sided. Like I care more than they do. And that's saying a lot, considering how little I usually care about other people. I feel like if I cut everyone off, I would suffer, not them. They could carry on just fine without me, but without them I'm nothing. They don't care and it's killing me. I can't make people care about me, so I'm fucked regardless.

This sounded less pathetic in my head, I swear. I'm just sick of everything.

Post Blue

I had another dream last night.

I was at school, and a bunch of people from Skins were there. About halfway through the day, we sneaked out and chilled in a field behind my school. I think I hooked up with someone from Skins, I don't remember. Possible, considering it's fucking Skins. So we chilled in a field for a few hours, and realized we were going to miss our bus to go home. So we get on the bus, and we start planning a party or something. My regular friends were there too, and we were all just basically fucking around on the bus and having fun. Then I woke up and was sad that I don't have a social life.

I don't even know.

Ghosts of Pawn Stars

I just had a really scary dream/experience.

My eyes were open, and I was awake, but it was like there was a tornado coming through my window. I heard a lot of voices, like Rick from Pawn Stars, but that was the only one I could recognize. There was a lot of noise, so it was difficult to tell the voices apart. I couldn't move through the whole thing. I tried to say, "Fine, I'll leave," but I couldn't move my mouth. I wanted so badly to get out of my room. Everything felt real. The wind blowing into my ear was deafening, and the voices were scaring the fuck out of me.

I was finally able to move (after what felt like hours) and ran the fuck out of my room, but the noise and the wind faded before I made my way out. I didn't care, I kept running. It took me until I was sitting my my living room to realize I'd been running from a hallucination. I was breathing hard for a while after, I'm not sure if it's from the running or being so afraid. And now I feel and look exhausted, even though I had been sleeping well before this all happened.

I don't know why this happened, or what it was. I think it was a result of my (really, really, really irrational) fear of buying a haunted house. I haven't thought about that in months, though, so I don't know why it would happen now. I watched too many "paranormal" shows when I was a kid.

It sounds like sleep paralysis to me, but I'm not sure. I just hope it doesn't happen again.